What Am I? Daily Prompt–Natural

Natural

Is natural the same thing as normal? Is natural the same thing as right? I am an emotional masochist. I like people who hurt me. If I find someone who can break through the walls I’ve built, I’m in awe of them. They are rare and therefore, valuable. This is my natural self asking: Is it normal to want someone who can hurt me? Is it right that I would rather feel pain than nothing at all?

I am to blame for my pain. I choose to be hurt. I try to be normal, to hate people who hurt me. I try to be right and I try to fix them. The truth is, I like them broken. I like to cut myself on their sharp edges. It’s how I am built. It’s my natural state.

It’s sick to say, no one wants to know that there are people like me. People who are willing slaves. People who live for pain, just to feel the pleasure of being seen. I don’t exist without pain. I don’t exist without tragedy. I never have.

It’s natural to want to be loved. Is it normal that for me to feel loved, I have to know that my lover can hurt me? Is it normal, is it right that I feel powerful that almost no one can? Is it normal that I don’t really pay attention to most people, is it right that I function in apathy? Until I find someone who can destroy me. Only then do I want to surrender, to give myself up. I know it’s twisted, but is it normal? Is it right?

Will it always be this way?

 

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8 thoughts on “What Am I? Daily Prompt–Natural

    • I appreciate your comment, no danger of dying here. This is just something I’ve started to realize about myself. Something that I want to work on. 🙂

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      • That’s a good start. 🙂
        It’s just so easy to get caught up in. As long as you know your limits and when to rein it in–and get help if you can’t–then you’ll always be in a state of mind to be able to stop, if you want to. Not that that’s easy by any means…
        Take care. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I think it’s normal to prefer to feel pain than nothing at all but the question is why you make yourself choose between those two? I think you don’t exist without pain because you don’t know how to exist otherwise. I can assure you that there are plenty of ways to start to live without constant pain and suffering… Your natural state is love itself, you just have lost it somehow, I assume it is covered by negative experiences. In the core of yourself you are pure love, you just need to dis-cover it. I wish you to find a way to do it 🙂

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    • Thank you for your comment. I have only just been able to admit that I fall in love with people who hurt me. I rarely allow anyone in and I am excited whenever someone “gets to me.” I’m still deciding if I’m willing to do the work required to heal myself or if I will continue seeking painful relationships. This post is only meant to be an observation of things I’m realizing about myself. 🙂

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