Is natural the same thing as normal? Is natural the same thing as right? I am an emotional masochist. I like people who hurt me. If I find someone who can break through the walls I’ve built, I’m in awe of them. They are rare and therefore, valuable. This is my natural self asking: Is it normal to want someone who can hurt me? Is it right that I would rather feel pain than nothing at all?
I am to blame for my pain. I choose to be hurt. I try to be normal, to hate people who hurt me. I try to be right and I try to fix them. The truth is, I like them broken. I like to cut myself on their sharp edges. It’s how I am built. It’s my natural state.
It’s sick to say, no one wants to know that there are people like me. People who are willing slaves. People who live for pain, just to feel the pleasure of being seen. I don’t exist without pain. I don’t exist without tragedy. I never have.
It’s natural to want to be loved. Is it normal that for me to feel loved, I have to know that my lover can hurt me? Is it normal, is it right that I feel powerful that almost no one can? Is it normal that I don’t really pay attention to most people, is it right that I function in apathy? Until I find someone who can destroy me. Only then do I want to surrender, to give myself up. I know it’s twisted, but is it normal? Is it right?
Will it always be this way?